2 inches flacco 4 inches huard

Favres flippy floppys

Hattiesburg deliberators

Bearpath lease

Favre dollar footlong

Witten my pants

Turner and housh

The saints dropped a deuce

Matt millens mulligans

Forgetting brandon marshall

Cassel greyskull

Scoobydrewbreesdoo

Tom bundchen

Erin andrews favorite positions

My ditka in her butkus

Dirty mark sanchez

Ben rapelisberger

Bigbens southern trespass

Mcnultys tv repair

Gisele to poundtown

Affair mcnair

Quickdraw mcnair

Ghosts of girlfriends past 2

Vicks wildcat dogfight

Vick in a box

Kibbles and vicks

Hide the beagle vicks and eagle

Mexico and the itches

Stallworths high beams

Stallworth steamrollers

Dantes bloody bentleys

Donte drink and drive

Dontes 30 days and 30 nights

Peds easier to catch than fballs

Andrews peephole vids

Andrews landing strip

Backfield penetration

Burressted development

ShawShiancoe redemption

Bros before Shiancoe’s

1st and Shiancoe

Shiancoe’s Criancoe

Have bush? Get barber!

Flacco seagulls

Make it wayne

Ginn and juice

Mendenhally retarded

Brees nuts

I touchdown there

Forte oz to freedom

Non-Football Related

Neverland secret keepers

Jacko estate boy patrol

Smooth pederast

Las vegas chainsaws

Stimulus package

Giant blue dongs

Nick and norah’s infinite awkward handjob

Obamas celebratory dimebag

Carradine’s hanging bag

Sotomayor’s el camin

Pitino’s Pro-Choicers

T pains deckhands

Billy mays mighty end-it

Some decisions have left most fans scratching their heads but in the last 2 years the Raiders have no so subtley told their fanbase and the rest of the NFL we’re done. Things really started to go downhill fast just prior the free agency period of 08.

Seeing as how he’s become washed up the Raiders trade Randy Moss to the Patriots for a 4th round pick. Greatest receiver since Jerry Rice for what turned out to be Arman Shields (WR, Richmond). This gave the Tom Brady his first good option ever at wideout and provided another team in their confererence with the weapons to go 15-1. Moss did break Rice’s season record for touchdowns with 23 that season also.

The only thing that could top that trade was their moves in free agency.
Look at these contracts and their results:

$70 million to DeAngelo Hall (cut at 8 games)
$55 million to Javon Walker(caught 15 balls. To his defense he was recovering from a knee surgery, which then required ankle surgery, which then required another knee surgery)
$39 million to Gibril Wilson(released 2009)
$16 million to Kwane Harris(released 2009)

That’s $180 million committed to 4 players, 1 of which is still on the team a year later.

In an all to public pissing match with then coach Lane Kiffin Undead Al fires him “with cause” to avoid paying him during the season and promotes Tom Cable to head coach.

What did they do in the free agent season of 2009 you ask?

They signed a veteran/journeyman QB Jeff Garcia to push JaMarcus Russell. But this week they decided to release him to avoid a QB controversey between he and the black Jared Lorenzen.

They also addressed the run defense, which was last in the league in the free agent season.
To address the run defense Al went after Tommy Kelly and Terdell Sands…who you ask is that. $67.5 million is who the fuck they are!

Onto 2009 NFL Draft!

The Raiders totally reached on the 7th pick and drafted Darrius Heyward-Bey. Projected to be a late first rounder and argueably the 3rd best wideout in the class. He hadn’t had more than 1000 yards in a season at Maryland and although he is crazy fast he has a reputation for not having the greatest hands in the world. He’s basically the Troy Williamson of the 2009 draft. How do you top that you ask?

You waste your 2nd roundd pick (Michael Mitchell) on 7th round talent. You know its bad at any point during the draft when Mel Kiper has to scramble looking for his notes to find your draft pick. They didn’t even have film on him. He was like the 5th string tight end in madden who doesn’t even have a picture.

Thank godness the draft is done, no more damage can be done to a team,right…WRONG!

Since the last trade worked so well with the Pats they decide to dump their best pass rusher to them for 3rd and 5th round picks. Why not? (Tom Cable celebrates by breaking the jaw of an assistant coach.)

Well since they’re depleted at d-end they need to fill that spot right…why not call the Pats again..Richard Seymour! Why not trade for once great now unhealthy d-end in final year of deal…before a potentially uncapped year for salary. The cherry on the top of this steaming turd is that they gave up their first round pick in the 2011 draft! By the way things are going its fairly likely this will be the #1 overall pick.

I’ve tried to rationalize these moves and I’ve come up with three possible scenarios.

1) Al Davis doesn’t care because he’ll be dead by 2011 anyway
2) He’s a big Patriots fan
3) He secretly hired Matt Millen and/or Kevin McHale on as consultants

If they signed David Tyree and forced him to run after errant passes from battleship Jamarcus it would be official that he’s not so covertly applying for a job in the Pats from office.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I plead with you. This is a team that can obviously no longer care for itself. Roger Godell needs to step in or at least tell the Patriots to stop picking on the fat kid with glasses in dodgeball.

I haven’t been this excited for a Vikings season since ’98. There I said it! #4 has ridden into town on a white horse (and torn rotator cuff) to lead us to Miami. In addition to #4, we added an explosive playmaker in Percy Harvin, and of course, we return EJ Henderson who was well on his way to a Pro Bowl season in 08 before his injury. I’m also expecting Visante Shiancoe to have a big year. He really came to life in the 2nd half of last year and has been looking great this pre-season. A tight end in Favre’s offense has always had career years. If all else fails, Shiancoe can pummel opposing players with his love hammer.

Let’s not forget that we return a stingy defense and the best running back in football to lead the charge. As long as Favre adjusts to not having to take the risk to be successful as opposed to be the gunslinger Madden fawned over the Vikings are building the fans up for the greatest disappointment since the ’98 NFC title game. Its going to be awesome and we’re going to go down in flames. We all know its going to happen. I’m still not going to waver in my support for this team. Anything is possible with the squad that has been assembled. This is a Super Bowl caliber team but its still our Vikings. No one will be happier to watch this team in Miami but history makes me temper my enthusiasm.

Maybe since this year its been the Twins collapsing this will be the year the Vikes suprising everybody and making the run we’re all hoping they do. No matter what this year is going to be fun to watch.

P.S.
Since its been awhile I think I have to say David Kahn is a sexual assault away from becoming Isiah Thomas. It needs to be said.

1. Lions: 

2. Rams:  Andre Smith, OT, Alabama

11.  Bills:  Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma

If there’s a defensive lineman worth the pick here then they’ll go that route but with limited options available I think they’ll reach for another target for Edwards.  A great safety valve at tight end will really help the evolution of their QB.  Another option could be Michael Oher, OL, from Ole Miss.

12.  Broncos:  James Laurinitis, LB, Ohio State

How is Shanahan unemployed?  Millen-ish defensive roster couldn’t make up for his genius on the other side of the ball.  The Wayzata native will be a great addition to this poor unit who will make an immediate impact on a defense that will still give up 20 points a game.

13.  Redskins:  Michael Oher, OL, Ole Miss

If he’s still available I don’t see them passing on a right tackle.  Jon Jensen is turning 33 and Oher will be a great insurance policy on both he and Chris Samuels. 

14.  Saints:  Ray Maualuga, LB, USC

If the Saints extend the contract of Jonathan Vilma they have to forfeit this pick to the Jets.  I think they’ll let him go into free agency and make a play for him on the open market.  By drafting Maualuga this give them the ability to do that.  I think the pink thong will fit in well on Bourbon St.

15.  Texans:  William Moore, S, Missouri

Safety is just about the only need outside of another rusher to compliment Mario Williams.  Within 2 weeks of the completion of the draft all the analysts will be jumping on the Texans bandwagon for 09. 

16.  Chargers:  Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia

LT has seen his better days and it’s time to bring in a compliment back to him.  After Darren Sproles performance on Saturday against the Colts make him millions in free agency as long as he doesn’t need to speak.  If you didn’t see the on-field interview or the postgame press conference it’s worth a view.  If you listen closely listen closely you can hear all Kansas State graduates ripping up their degrees.  Seriously!!  He looked like Ed Werder was just asked him what the square root of something was.

17.   Jets:  Sen’Derrick Marks, DT, Auburn

In stark contract to Thomas Jones, the collapse of the Jets can’t just be blamed on Brett Favre.  Their defense needs some help and they’re going to get it with Marks.  I think Terrance Cody, if he declares, will be the better player but at 6-5, 365 lbs their just isn’t enough snaps in a 3-4 defense for he and Kris Jenkins to co-exist.  Marks is at 6-1, 295 lbs has the size to play tackle and the speed to play end.

18.  Bears:  Percy Harvin, WR, Florida

Florida players do great in Chicago, just ask Rex Grossman…

Berrian really was missed and Hester really isn’t going to be a #1 wide out.  I think Harvin will add another dimension to the Bears if they don’t go D-line.

19.  Buccaneers:  Chris Wells, RB, Ohio State

After seeing Cadillac’s knee explode again on national television they’re going to need to go with another running back.  Wells is the next best option behind Moreno and will make Ernest Graham that much better.  Warrick Dunn is 34 and his spin move is like Seth Rogen’s dice move from Knocked up.  It’s really all he’s got.

20.   Lions:  Terrance Cody, DT, Alabama

This guy is a beast.  6-5, 375 lbs.  The Lions desperately need  to be able to stop the run in the NFC North.  This guys is in the mold of the great run stuffers of the NFL like Pat Williams, Kris Jenkins, Vince Wilfork, and a grand piano.  If he doesn’t declare then I’d say they need to go with an offensive lineman.  Their offensive line needs a ton of help and every expert will probably have them taking an offensive lineman but I think with the amount of picks they have they’ll be able to fill some holes in the later rounds.

21.  Cardinals:  Brandon Spikes, LB, Florida 

If Boldin bolts in free agency then I’d move for Jeremy Maclin as the option here.  The whole does Chase Daniel make Maclain look good or is it the other way around arguement ended in early September.  Spikes is a great athlete who can help a defense that is very inconsistent.

22.  Eagles:  Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois

You can never have too many good corners.  Asante Samuel is among the best in the league but Davis will add depth to an already great secondary.  I think tight end is an option in the later rounds because of the depth of that position in the draft. 

23.  Vikings (FINALLY):  Ciron Black, OT, LSU

Anyone else tired of seeing a turn-style at right tackle?  The big needs at this point are cornerback, tackle, and quarterback.  I’m really praying that QB gets addressed in the off-season because if T-Jack comes back as the starter I’m going to start forwarding my future medical bills for hypertension to Winter Park.

Hicks filled in well but you never know what McKinnie could get himself into this offseason also.  I’d be just as happy if I saw us trade this first rounder to the Pats for Cassell.

24.  Patriots:  Brian Cushing, LB, USC

It really doesn’t matter who they Patriots draft because everyone is going to say it’s a great pick.  I’m just throwing out Brian Cushing because he’s going to be a great pass rusher in a 3-4 defense in the pros.  I’d say the smart money is on them getting a cornerback which they hopefully will at pick 23 and we’ll take Cassell.

25.  Falcons:  Peria Jerry, DT, Ole Miss

The really only weakness on this roster is at DT.  They do need to improve their run defense. 

26.  Dolphins:  Michael Johnson, DE, Georgia Tech

Parcells builds around defense and offensive line.  After addressing the o-line last year I’m thinking they’re going to go after another pass rusher to complement Jerry Porter.   

27.  Ravens:  Trevard Lindley, CB, Kentucky

If Maclin or Harvey slip they won’t slip past the Ravens.  They’re going to be looking for another weapon for Flacco but if that doesn’t happen then they’ll add a corner to their aging secondary.  I still think Ray Lewis and 10 – 7th graders would be a top 10 defense.

28.  Colts: Eben Britton, OT, Arizona

There isn’t enough talent on my board for them to address their real need at DT so I’m thinking they’ll go with OT.

29.  Eagles: Phil Loadholt, OT, Oklahoma

The Eagles desperately need some help at tackle and I’m going out on a limb here because of Loadholt’s size, 6-8. 350 lbs.  In realty this guy could slide into the second round but Andy Reid loves drafting players larger than him.  It’s the oldest trick in the fat guy’s diet:  You don’t need to lose weight if you just surround yourself with people bigger than you.

30.  Steelers:  Duke Robinson, G, Oklahoma

If the Steelers don’t draft an offensive lineman Ben Roethlisberger has a legal right/obligation to punch Mike Tomlin in the zipper.

31.  Giants:  Darrius Hayward-Bey, WR, Maryland

Who’d thought a few months back that a need for the Giants would be WR?  Hayward-Bey is a legit 4.3 guy with a decent frame (6-2, 205 lb).  If they move Kiwanuka back to LB then I could see them making a move for a DE at this point.  The Giants desperately need a red-zone option here but I don’t think there is an option.  Look for Hakeem Nicks or Kenny Britt if they can improve their 40 times.

32.  Titans:  Victor Harris, CB, Virginia Tech

Nick Harper is getting old and the Titans are solid in almost every other aspect of the game.  Wide out is still a need but Dr. Phil might be better at helping develop Vince Young than a shiny new toy at receiver.

With the Eagles running basically a 4-6 defense since they didn’t need to respect the pass AP did about as good as expected.  20 carries for 83 yards and 2 touchdowns.  It would be freighting what he will do when opponents actually have to respect our passing game.

Defense was amazing all season and Jared Allen…worth every penny. 

How can you not be exited about this team’s chances at making a Super Bowl run?!  You’ve got the most explosive player in the game in the backfield, an improving quarterback under center, a wide-out who stretches the field and a tight end in the middle of the field who births baby elephants(I think I see a trunk!).  The spike in publicity has led to more production for Visante since Peter Jackson cast his dick as the Empire State building in the remake of King Kong.   I see this game as a lock.  Final score:  Vikings 24 Eagles 17

On a side note:  If the game is blacked out due to poor ticket sales (11,000 to go at this time) then all of the negativity in this market needs to turn from Mustache #1 to the fan base.    Ante up and support your team!

My Wild Card Weekend Predictions:

Atlanta over Arizona

We saw Arizona implode first hand again our beloved Purple.  Warner wife’s will undoubtedbly get the flat top back play in playoff form but this team is done.  Atlanta’s running game will simply dominate this gone.

Indy over San Diego

Much like sideline reporters, NBA big men, and porn stars, running backs over 30 lose it and LT has proven it this year.  It’s simple, if Indy has Bob Sanders and Peyton they’re a threat to lose the AFC Championship EVERY season.

Ravens over Miami

Ray Lewis has beat the shit out of so many teams the last few years he’s now medically classified as a laxative.

2009 – Favre:  Arm of Jamie Moyer the last 5 weeks of the season

2008 – Vince Young:  9 TD’s 17 INT’s and lost his mind then job to Kerry “Cocktail” Collins.  Curse intact.

2007 – Shaun Alexander:  896 Yards and 7 TDs were lowest since his rookie year.  He missed 6 games due to injury and was never the same.  Curse intact.

2006 – Donovan McNabb:  Missed last 7 weeks with sports hernia and Eagles missed the playoff for first time since 1999.  He was also later ripped limb from limb by the Vikings in the 2008 NFL playoffs.  Severed head given skullet and lines by Jared Allen.  Curse intact.

2005 – Ray Lewis:  Missed one game due to injury and didn’t record an interception for the first time in his career.  This is as close as it gets to beating the curse but it is Ray Lewis afterall.  Ray Lewis is also the only man who prefers to wear his shirts while ironing them, eat a Rubix cube and crap it our solved,  and may also be the original black Power Ranger.

2004 – Mike Vick:  Suffered leg injury in preseason and missed the first 11 games of the season.  He spent a majority of his off-time working on other business ventures.  Curse intact.

2003 – Marshall Faulk:  953 Yds and 8 TD’s.  Worst season since 1999.  Marshall now has to work with Warren Sapp on NFL Network.  Curse intact. 

2002 – Daunte Culpepper: Missed 4 games with an injury and saw TD passes drop from 33 to 14.  He is now the starting QB for the Lions to top it off.  Curse intact.

2001 – Eddie George:  Had his first sub 1,000 yard and only 5 Td’s in 2001.  Curse begins.

2000 – Barry Sanders (featured in background):  Retired (and stayed retired) prior to the season.  Barry knew what was coming.

For me the best throw of the week is a toss-up between his shoulder fake on the Wade TD and the Iraqi guy throwing his shoe at Bush. I couldn’t have been more suprised Sunday by a 4 TD performance out of Jackson if my dog had greeted me after his morning glory by speaking Spanish. 4 TD’s?!?! Are you kidding me?! But to be fair his success was against Detroilet and Arizona. Atlanta is a little bit more of a test so let’s hope this is for real and clinch a week early to give everybody a week off to heal up that needs it.

P.S.

I would be remiss if I didn’t address the 99 championship game. I still shake almost uncontrollably when I see Vikings vs. Falcons but who can blame me? I really hope Jared Allen hits Matt Ryan so hard Morten Anderson’s mother has heart problems.

“I addressed him before we went on the air and told him I didn’t think it was in good taste and just a good idea in general,” said Paul Allen, radio personality of KFAN.  Visante had a different take.  “After all the publicity I’ve been getting over the locker room clip my agent said I could use this new found publicity to my advantage,” said Shiancoe.   After his recent over-exposure during a locker room post-game video clip Visante has been the guest on national television and radio spots. 

Store Manager of the Roseville location Bryce Peterson didn’t see the boost in sales that normally accompany an onsite broadcast like this.  “It was just really weird.  I mean… he was wearing pants so it wasn’t like it was an accident like the whole locker room thing.  He just let his flag fly in the store!  He was still taking pictures and talking with customers like it was totally normal.  Needless to say after he played with the touchscreen phones we had to take them off the salesfloor. ”

“I think I saw him feed it a peanut,” said AT&T marketing coordinator Chris Handrahan.

this guy doesn't even watch football...

It touched me – Bryce

...and then things just got weird

Side note: yahoo fantasy sports is stating that visante shiancoe has been picked up by 90%of female owned fantasy football teams.

During my time off I had a chance to work with some of the executives in the timberwolves organization.

Timberwolves Directors of Player Development

Blackburn vs. Denks on 3 days rest

Last we saw of young Nicky he was throwing the ball towards section 118 in the midst of a 6 run inning that set the stage for one of the most memorable comebacks in recent Twins history.

Chicago has all the momentum after an emotional win against the Tigers. It only took a grand slam by a man who looks like he doesnt have the energy to slap the flies off his eyes to force today’s game. Sally Struthers wouldve been proud of Alexei Ramirez for his efforts today.

In an effort to show bulimic women of the USA and Cuba that big is beautiful we owe it to them to take over the Southside of Chicago like crack and poor credit.

Morn-0-for-4 needs to show he is not a poor mans A-Rod and come through in clutch like he has all season. He went from being the dark horse MVP candidate to the exclamation point of the punchless 4-5-6 spots in the line-up. It’s time to step up and earn it on front of all of America and most of Canada, depending on the preseason hockey schedule.

Let’s go twins and turn the Summer of Stun into a Fantastic Fall.

Why the Twins Need to Win Today

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So word on the street is McKinnie is dating Serena Williams. I really think kid touchers should be forced to watch their sex tape to make sure they lose any type of sexual urge for the remainder of their lives.

Worst Sex Tape Ever

Go sit your awful ass over there

T-Jack

At least Vince Young had the self respect to try and off himself after his awful performance.

Brady Down

I am usually not a fan of autodrafts or public leagues but I wanted to try out NFL.com for once. Great results for the first draft of the year. Solid RB’s, decent wideouts, and Brady at QB. At 12:20 this team was officially not being checked for the remainder of the year. Sorry guys but 2 Mannings 1 Cup is throwing in the towel.

T-Jack Still Sucks

Anybody wonder why the Vikings wanted Brett Favre after week 1? What I found more telling about that situation was Tavaris himself never even got that upset when they talked about the Vikings getting Favre. He’s way ahead of all of us on this one. Jackson knows he’s awful and is just trying to ride out this whole I’m an NFL quarterback thing for as long as he can to pick up women. Women of the Twin Cities, have some respect and take home Kluwe or Longwell.

Young Insane

So to make matters worse in this public league…Bradys autodrafted backup…Vince Young. It’s a personal standard of mine to drop someone when the newsfeed has hostage negotiator included in the headline.

Tatum Bell-Hop

It’s time for a long hard look in the mirror when your lowest moment comes after being cut by the Lions and it’s not the actual cut itself.

Matt Jones

I totally wrote this guy off. If you wouldve told me Matt Jones was a threat before last week I wouldve laughed it off without a second thought. Something to the effect of “Matt Jones is a real end zone threat, look he just snorted 5 yards worth of it in the away endzone.”. I half expected them to be panning the sidelines during the national anthem and see him with his helmut under his arm looking like Jack Nicholson from The Departed. You’re officially on the radar as the number one wideout in Jacksonville so…Dont move til you’re numb.

Vikings Fans

Colts in week 2

AP VS the Colts Run defense – my fantasy prediction – 250 and 3 TD’s.

Closed Circuit to Jared Allen – Bring me the head of Peyton Manning and Week 1 is forgiven.

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I have a good feeling that no matter what the outcome of the rest of these Olympics and London in 2012 I will still probably be telling my children about Michael Phelps and the Beijing Olympics. He was everything that was good and right about sports. He’s added his name to those of Jordan, Ruth, and Woods of athletes that have transcended sports.

Usain Bolt is the odds on favorite to do something no man has done since Carl Lewis in 1984, an Olympic win in both the 100 & 200 meter. This guy is insanely fast and if he breaks Michael Johnson’s 200 this may go down as the greatest performance anyone has seen on the track. He was celebrating and dancing before the race started, his shirt was untucked, and his shoe was untied…I’m pretty sure he could run a 9.8 in flip flops and a hooded sweatshirt.

Let’s hope he doesn’t follow it up with a performance like this…

Erin Andrews’ Favorite Positions

Travis Henry’s Dusty Rubbers

Travis Henry’s Rhythm Method

Brady Quinn’s Bitten Pillow

Brady Quinn’s Brown Helmet

Children of the Zorn

Me So Zorny

Matt Jonesing For Coke

Matt Jones Toilet Rail

Leinart’s Hot Tub Minors

Bonging Beers with Leinart

Matt Leinart’s Wingmen

TO’s Bitter ManTears

Javon Walker’s Vegas Vacation

Brandon Marshall’s Happy Meal

Driving Miss Benson

Benson’s Navy

Cedric Benson’s Beached Pontoon

Benson’s Boat Party

Joe Simpson’s Daughter Touching Company

Brett Favre’s Intercepted Texts

Brett Favre’s Wafflers

Packer-Issued Cell Phones

Live Free or Die Favre

Bengals’ Legal Team

Emmit Smif’s school of elocution

Carruthless Gangstas

Fack the Patriots

I Gave Her The Shockey

Andy Reid’s Parenting School

Cutler’s Diabeatyou

Darrion Scott’s Daddy Daycare

Body by Lendale

Lorenzen Lives

Strip Club Weathermen (Forecast: Rain)

Al Davis’ Tracksuit Mafia

2 Mannings – 1 Cup

Kim Kardashian’s Reggie Bush

Two and a Half Mendenhall

Kick Ass Offense

Pimpin’ Aint Brees-y

Couple Years Old But Still Funny

One Night Rape Stand

Kissing Suzy Kolber

Hung Like Vick’s Dogs

Chumura’s Hot Tub

Najeh Shit in my Hamper

Nate Newton’s Trunk O’Weed

Straight Cash Smoothies

Lawrence Taylor Blows Through the Line

Classic Names

Eleven Mini-Ditkas

Ten Morgan Freemans

Bruce Lee and the Karate Kids

10 jerks & a squirt

I Opened Pandora’s Box And All I Got Was Chlamydia

Menace 2 Sobriety
Alcoholics Unanimous
Diarrhea Filled Pinatas

Van with No Windows

Amish Rake Fight

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

Failed Anorexics

2 Guys 1 Cup (if you share a team with someone)

Birmington Booty Calls – urban dictionary this…

The Innocent Sleepovers

Off in the Shower

Off Constantly

Cougar Bait

Topical Team Names

Dark Knight Overdose

Heath Ledger’s Prescription Plan
Heath Ledger’s Ambien Stash

Heath Ledger Memorial Pharmacy

R. Kelly’s Day Care
Larry Craig’s Wide Stance

Courtesy Taps

Amy Winehouse Dead By Week 3

Britneys Big Montana

Ted Kennedy’s Tumah’s

Beijing Bars Banned of Brothers

On behalf of all Vikings fans thank you Ted Thompson.

Conditional picks or not… the best player on your team just left in trail of beer, cheese, and tears from fat chicks and drunken men.

And the story started some 3 years ago…

Thanks for the 10 wins Livan (pictured right in the red suit).  There is obviously no resentment about being released and even he knows how the rest of the summer is going to pan out.   

Central Division             W       L       GB

Minnesota                             62       49        -

Chicago                                61       49         .5

Detroilet                               55       56        7

Your 2008 Central Division Champions

I know we’re building for 2010 but how about doing something… I’m not saying we have to give up prospects… how about Mike Lamb, Livan Hernandez, and Boof for a halfway decent 2nd basemen… anything. 

Shannon Stewart aside this team never does anything at the trade deadline.  I’m not going to say I want them to dump their plan and overpay in prospects or cash but just try.  Moving Boof and/or Livan would have been great because every Twins fan knows they’re awful and not only they would’ve cleared up about $300/week on the team’s food budget but it would’ve cleared a spot for Liriano…

I’m usually always behind Twins management and this season has proven why so let’s hope we’re on the right track again.  Bill…even the BoSox could move this guy

So hilarious I had to share…

http://www.holytaco.com/2008/07/24/if-tom-brady-had-a-comic-book/

Things I’m looking forward to:

1.  Seeing what AP version 2.0 has in store for us. 

The most highly anticipated return since Jesus and the iPhone…This guy is simply amazing.  Last year he gave a desperate Vikings nation hope.  This year he’ll hopefully deliver on the promise of being the gamebreaker and workhorse that this team needs him to be.  Defense or not this team will live and die by what Purple Jesus produces

2.  Jared Allen

I think he was the key addition of any team in the NFL this offseason but let’s hope that his presence alone can create a pass rush.  To say that one player on defense will turn a JV pass rush into a feared defenese is a little much to ask.  I’m pretty sure I saw Tom Brady smoke a cigarette and have sex with Giselle on a third down in the pocket last year( the picture is amazing in HD).  Last year we had the Williams Wall at D-Tackle and yet our D-ends can’t seem to get around the end and even make a QB sweat.  I fully believe he’ll be a stud and fit into Minnesota and it’s D much like Sharper did just a few years back.  Ray Edwards and Brian Robison will probably benefit most on the line but that secondary has to feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders.  Robison is freak and in on 3rd down that guy will be a huge asset.  The draft picks were a lot to give up for a guy that’s a couple whiskey cokes away from a year in spin dry but the return far outweighs the risk.

3.  T-Jack

The spin machine was putting in some much needed work last year after we didn’t go after Garcia and stuck with Tavaris.  He was decent at times and made me long for Spurgeon Wynn at times.  All he needs to do is not suck.  Not often do you hear that at your job.  “Look all we need you to do is make sure that when we leave the office we have 4 walls to come back to.”  I’m sure we’d all love that type of pep talk from our bosses at work.  I’m not saying he’s going to be great or even good but I don’t think he’ll be bad this year which is all he needs to be.  The old joke goes…the only two things to make 60 thousand people in one building scream Jesus Christ are Billy Graham and Tavaris Jackson.  As an open apology Tavaris…anything you threw at Williamson should be removed from your stat sheet.  I think passes to him should be wiped off the books like a passed ball in baseball when the catcher screws up. 

Here’s just one of several examples

4.  Childress

Let’s hope the last time Childress was involved in a call about the offense was with Brett Favre.  Bevell knows his crap and let’s just please leave it to him.  At the beginning of last season Childress told the media he put a note on his clipboard to make sure to give #28 at least 20 touches.  That’s one of those lines I’d really hope he’d keep to himself.  That’s like when someone has to write a reminder on the mirror in the bathroom:  Remember to wipe ass.  How do you have a player like that and you have to write yourself an idiot note in order to get him involved in the game.  Is it possible that other teams were schemeing more about how to get him out of the game than we were to get him into it.  Either way…kick-ass offense and mustache aside…If he doesn’t have a great year there is a good chance his days are numbered.  Marty ball was almost initiated last year if AP hadn’t gone off for 296.  You’ve hitched your fate to numero 7 and the both of you have a put up or shut up year ahead of you.

5.  Favre

I know I had talking about it but at this point it’s still a point to bring up.  I think the tampering charges all but eliminated even the most remote chance Ol’ #4 would’ve suited up in Purple and Gold and marched into Lambeau on a night he would’ve had his number retired and trouncing his former team leaving Ted Thompson and a significan part of the population of Wisconsin questions god in tears.  I only mention him as part of a season preview because let’s look at the rest of the division… Bears…defense is solid, offense wouldn’t put up 30 against Eden Prairie…Lions…Kitna may have beaten us last year even when god interviened and cured his concussion but apparently god left him out to dry the last 6 weeks of the season…and of course the awful Pack.  The team that taught me how to hate.  I think if Favre hadn’t said anything and just rode off into the sunset I’d be a little more worried about the Packers.  With that trainwreck of whether he plays or not it’s just left that team in shambles.  At the first sign of weakness those loyalists who are now humping Ted Thompson’s leg after siding with management are going to be questioning if he made the right move by send El Savior of Cheese packing. 

Overall:

I can’t honestly say what I’m happier to see…the packer collapse like a dying star or the Vikings rise to greatness.  Both are going to be phenomenol to watch.  I’m prediciting 12-4 in the regular season but holding judgement back on the playoffs.  The AFC will be vicious with Indy and the Pats battling it out again.  The Pats have the easiest schedule in the league (thanks dad) and the Colts are definately a threat to lose in the AFC Championship any year.  The Cowboys are definately the team to beat in the NFC but we’re a bye week away in Cabo away from a trip to Tampa.

The 2 Undeniable Truths of the upcoming season:

• McKinnie will get arrested
• AP will remind me there is a god and he wants me to be happy

Strap it up and let’s go Purple!!!!