Tag Archives: predictions that would make nostradamus proud

2009 Season Begins!

Favre ArrivesThere are four open secrets in the NFL right now. The first is that Running backs are like NBA big men, porn stars, singers, wrestlers and female sideline reporters in HD: When it goes, it goes. You can’t stop it. There are a few exceptions but once a back hits 30 it goes away fast. The second is that Al Davis can no longer competently run an NFL team because he might have turned into a sea monster (more to come later). The third is that every pregame show has too many guys and the networks know this, only they won’t do anything about it because they all have made one of those Randolph and Mortimer Duke $1 wagers to torment us. The fourth is that anyone dating one of Visanthe Shiancoe’s ex-girlfriends now is being ridiculed endlessly by his friends and forced to change his fantasy team’s name to “Hallway Hot Dogs.”

I haven’t been this excited for a Vikings season since ’98. There I said it! #4 has ridden into town on a white horse (and torn rotator cuff) to lead us to Miami. In addition to #4, we added an explosive playmaker in Percy Harvin, and of course, we return EJ Henderson who was well on his way to a Pro Bowl season in 08 before his injury. I’m also expecting Visante Shiancoe to have a big year. He really came to life in the 2nd half of last year and has been looking great this pre-season. A tight end in Favre’s offense has always had career years. If all else fails, Shiancoe can pummel opposing players with his love hammer.

Let’s not forget that we return a stingy defense and the best running back in football to lead the charge. As long as Favre adjusts to not having to take the risk to be successful as opposed to be the gunslinger Madden fawned over the Vikings are building the fans up for the greatest disappointment since the ’98 NFC title game. Its going to be awesome and we’re going to go down in flames. We all know its going to happen. I’m still not going to waver in my support for this team. Anything is possible with the squad that has been assembled. This is a Super Bowl caliber team but its still our Vikings. No one will be happier to watch this team in Miami but history makes me temper my enthusiasm.

Maybe since this year its been the Twins collapsing this will be the year the Vikes suprising everybody and making the run we’re all hoping they do. No matter what this year is going to be fun to watch.

P.S.
Since its been awhile I think I have to say David Kahn is a sexual assault away from becoming Isiah Thomas. It needs to be said.

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NFL Wild Card Round – Bring on Philly

2008 NFC North Division ChampsIt seems like everybody (including locally) is picking your NFC North Division Champs to fold this weekend.  Let’s not forget that the Eagles are the same offense that put up 3 points against Washington the previous week!  Just because they simply manhandled the Simpson-handler and his offense last week doesn’t mean they’re back.  When Philly goes away from the run their offense doesn’t function well and last I checked our beloved purple are the best team in the NFL at stopping the run.  Also…Williams Wall is back at full strength.  Buckhalter and Westbrook are going to be non-factors inside the tackles. The Vikings are 6-2 at home this season.  The Dome field advantage will be as loud as ever and we’re off to pummel the Carolina Panthers for the second time this season next week.

How can you not be exited about this team’s chances at making a Super Bowl run?!  You’ve got the most explosive player in the game in the backfield, an improving quarterback under center, a wide-out who stretches the field and a tight end in the middle of the field who births baby elephants(I think I see a trunk!).  The spike in publicity has led to more production for Visante since Peter Jackson cast his dick as the Empire State building in the remake of King Kong.   I see this game as a lock.  Final score:  Vikings 24 Eagles 17

On a side note:  If the game is blacked out due to poor ticket sales (11,000 to go at this time) then all of the negativity in this market needs to turn from Mustache #1 to the fan base.    Ante up and support your team!

My Wild Card Weekend Predictions:

Atlanta over Arizona

We saw Arizona implode first hand again our beloved Purple.  Warner wife’s will undoubtedbly get the flat top back play in playoff form but this team is done.  Atlanta’s running game will simply dominate this gone.

Indy over San Diego

Much like sideline reporters, NBA big men, and porn stars, running backs over 30 lose it and LT has proven it this year.  It’s simple, if Indy has Bob Sanders and Peyton they’re a threat to lose the AFC Championship EVERY season.

Ravens over Miami

Ray Lewis has beat the shit out of so many teams the last few years he’s now medically classified as a laxative.

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